I don’t remember when I lost my ability to feel “shame.” You know that feeling. It feels like: “Wow, this is embarrassing” or “Man, I’m a douche.” It tells you, “Shut up! Act cool!”
It’s often mistaken as a conscience or some moral guiding compass. Because of that, I don’t want you to confuse what I’m saying and think I lack moral principles. Certainly, I still believe in right and wrong and feel bad when I do something wrong. It’s more specific than that. “Shame” relies on your perception of how others perceive you. I guess that’s what I lack. Then again, I spend a significant portion of my time crafting expectations and analyzing reactions. So perhaps it’s my lack of emotional attachment to the responses I’m getting that makes me feel like a robot.
The fact I studied public relations for four years, makes the whole thing kind of ironic in a ‘math teacher whose unable to count’ sort of way.
I believe that this lack of shame is directly connected to my newfound inability to separate the public and private spheres of my life. I mean, we all have them. We have a public persona, that’s a bit more proper, a bit more watered down... maybe a bit more smiley. And we have a private persona that we share with those who are close to us: our inner circle, those we love, and those we trust. Yet I find myself unable to distinguish between the two.
Culturally, I don’t think I stand alone. With Facebook, Twitter, blogging, vlogging and every other social networking site my generation can register for and log on to... we do it. We put our lives on display for the masses; or more accurately, the handful of people that give a shit for long enough to click our avatar. But living digitally has its cost and that cost is the erosion of our ability to know when to shut up. It’s cost us our shame.
I do want to clarify further. I’m not mourning this lost. I’m just making the observation.
Living life in a glass house isn’t all bad. Certainly, it keeps a person honest. And if you are truly just putting yourself out there (and assuming you’re not a rotten person deep down), people will overlook your minor flaws to see the genuine you that’s on display. Without shame, you really have to act like you and can’t rely on acting like you ought. It’s almost a sort of public relations strategy, if you look beyond its simplicity. Be a good company and be honest all of the time. No spin, other than the minor stuff; when mistakes happen, as they always do, take responsibility and continue to be honest and all revealing. As Nixon explained, “It’s not the crime that kills you, it’s the cover-up.”
So that’s what I’m doing here. Writing down thoughts; some weirder than others. I can’t say I’ll have a readership of any sort, but I can say that while “Deviller is in the Details” will showcase professional Jeff, “I May Be Wrong” is all about the real Jeff. And in living in this glass house, maybe we can both have some picture of who that is.
Don’t lose yourself out there,
Jeff
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